Gifts

“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” - Pablo Picasso

There is a lot of focus on gifts this time of year. We love to watch sports in this house but have to mute the commercials because how many times can we hear about every gift beginning with K. The holiday season can be particularly stressful for autistic and ADHD people who may already struggle with social norms. How do I know who I am expected to get gifts for? What if I get the wrong thing? What if I leave someone out? Then there is the whole stress of being watched while opening the gifts. The neurodivergent fear of being perceived is very real.

What face do I make when opening the gift? What if I do it wrong? What if I upset someone? It is the opposite of holly jolly, and it can result in many nights of lost sleep while ruminating on whether or not expected social norms were performed correctly. We all know Santa cannot leave gifts if we aren’t sleeping, which results in even more stress. For a time of year where we sing about Silent Nights, our nights don’t seem so silent, actually. There is a lot of stress and anxiety throughout the house. All is not calm.

If you have any school aged children in your household, particularly teenagers or kids in college, they might also be dealing with the stress of finals. We are saying “presence, not presents,” but the parking lots at the malls are still packed and the kids are sitting alone in their rooms cramming for an exam only to forget 80% of the information two days later. How does this make sense? Are we asking why? Why do we do these things? Does your mother in law really need that extra sweater or are you adding points on an imaginary scorecard that you have in your head? Who is this serving? The retailers seem to do pretty well. Some of them at least. Many work long hours away from their families and still end up struggling to pay their bills and put food on the table. How and when does this rat race start? Why is there so much pressure to achieve?

Our kids started taking standardized tests in third grade. We were lucky to have two wonderful third grade teachers that did the best they could within the constraints of our current American school system. They repeatedly reminded their students that their value and worth is not based on how they performed on these tests. These teachers that go to Herculean efforts to protect their kids from systemic harm are heroes. But what does society at large tell kids? Which kids are recognized and rewarded? Follow the money. Talk to the kids.

Finland is consistently ranked the happiest country in the world. They also don’t have standardized testing in their schools. In my opinion, these two things are very much related. Their system isn’t focusing on churning out a one-size-fits-all widget for a capitalist factory system. Instead, they have some flexibility to focus on the uniqueness of each child and to help that child develop his or her unique gifts. What if, instead of being so focused on gifting presents this time of year, or anytime of year, we focused more on discovering our unique and individual gifts, or talents, and sharing those with the world? What would the world look like if, instead of being told what to learn, we could each explore, develop and share our gifts? Wouldn’t that be better? I would love to see your art, hear your music, watch you dance, learn about your invention, or read that book you’ve been wanting to write.

We don’t need a graduating class that can all score well on the same exact standardized test, particularly not if they are doing so at the expense of their mental health. We need graduating classes that are full of passion, that feel an innate sense of purpose and self-worth, and who are ready to share their unique and individual gifts with the world. Some will excel in math, some in English, some in creative arts and some in things I probably can’t even imagine. They should be afforded the flexibility to go within their own psyche and discover what that is, without so many external forces telling them what that is. We don’t need a society always looking for more, we need a society that can appreciate what we have now. There is no magical thing at the mall that will fix what is hurting inside of you.

Maisa’s physical presence was a gift to the world. She had so many unique ideas and talents that we unfortunately won’t get to hear about. I wish the school system had nourished her talents instead of breaking her spirit.

I have been fortunate to spend some time with Maisa’s friends this past year. They are brilliant and creative in many of the same ways that Maisa was. They are artistic, musically talented and have ideas that could change the world - if we give them space to pursue the things that actually interest them. If we trust them to be the conductors of their own learning experiences. Why shouldn’t we? Wouldn’t that be the greatest gift we could give them? The gift of self discovery? It is the greatest gift we can give ourselves also.