"What is a blessing and what is a dream; Caught between portraits and none's what it seems; Why is it people expect there's a change; When I feel I'm a part of something I can't see." - Stories I Tell
Thank you. I love you. My little JJ is on the Spectrum. Raising him with no one able to back up my understanding of what he was / what we were dealing with, especially my husband was brutal. And simultaneously coming to terms with my own ADHD, autism tendencies, sensitivities, and how they were never really honored or held. I never wanted to share this aspect of my reality because I didn’t want to Sound like a bad parent or victim. I didn’t sleep for a long time, consumed with anxiety about how to support him, how to support myself, and to understand what was “wrong”.
What’s “wrong” is that we have an idea of how our kids should be as a society, and how we should parent them. Jericho came in so I could liberate myself of all of the ways that I’ve made myself wrong my whole life - that’s what they do. They are angels.
Yes, absolutely. They are angelic beings carrying a frequency so much bigger and brighter than these 3D bodies. Love you too, and thank you so much for sharing this. xoxo
What a devastating story of not being believed. It’s so hard when professionals don’t believe you and what you know to be true about yourself. I’m so sorry that you and Maisa suffered with this without support from professionals. The one thing you and James can tell yourselves is you did everything you could to support Maisa and I believe she knew that along with your unconditional love. Take care and know you all including Maisa are loved.
Hi Samia, i lost my son Noah to suicide. He struggled until he was 22. I now know how unbearably painful his last 2 years were for him. They were difficult for me and my husband - over that time we grew increasingly confused, bemused, frustrated, sad, constantly wondering, and walking on eggshells. We even got (privately) stern and angry towards the end. We certainly didn't understand what was going on for him.
Noah left behind a massive stack of A4 notebooks jam packed with teeny tiny writing, revealing the spiralling life of a young man trying to make sense of the world, soaking up absolutely everything he possibly could learn (every academic topic available, every angle on the human condition) before he finally gave in to despair and the losing battle he fought for a very long time. For longer than the obvious 2 years.
As well as the writing (which he'd kept secret), he was at the end of 2nd year study of BioSci at UCL (London, England), and he had taken up all manner of hobbies - cooking, sewing, crocheting, life drawing, cartoon sketching, yoga, dance, martial arts, photography, creative writing (he was secretly aiming to write a novel), reading, filmmaking, music & spoken word recording, the study of 2 languages and violin and guitar.
AuDHD, no? If only we'd known.
I have been writing myself since he left, 3 and a half years. I began journalling everyday and it's now turning into a memoir. I am learning so much about myself and who Noah probably was. I am astonished to write that last phrase - i am HIS MOTHER!
And, naturally, i'm drawn to all the spaces i need to be in (e.g. two Movember campaigns taught me a lot about the deeply sad state of men's societal oppression), including Sister Moms on FB. It's there that i found your substack link and your brilliant blog on the essentials for us to begin waking up, to help change the epidemic that is suicide.
Deborah Royal's post on FB was interesting. A deep dive i've been making, and one that swims painfully close to self blame and recrimination.
There is no doubt the world just couldn't hold him though. And i now wonder about myself and my own neurodiversity and all i've been through to traverse the challenges of life (in a different era), and all the ways i found strength and resilience that differed from Noah's.
I'm writing to thank you for your work and sharing Samia. Thank you beautiful Maisa. (i love the pic of you two). I will continue to read you with great keenness Samia. I am deeply grateful. I feel less alone.
Hi Beverley, thank you so much for your kind words and sharing some of your story and Noah with me. Wow, he seems to have accomplished so much in his short time here and continues to do amazing work with and through you. What a spectacular soul! Yes, it is devastating that the world cannot hold children like ours in its current state and I am hopeful that through telling our stories we can help shift things. Please keep writing and telling your story and Noah's story. I look forward to reading your memoir. Thank you again. Much love.
Thank you for helping us all see AuDHD with deeper insight. Please keep shining a light on this.
Thank you. I love you. My little JJ is on the Spectrum. Raising him with no one able to back up my understanding of what he was / what we were dealing with, especially my husband was brutal. And simultaneously coming to terms with my own ADHD, autism tendencies, sensitivities, and how they were never really honored or held. I never wanted to share this aspect of my reality because I didn’t want to Sound like a bad parent or victim. I didn’t sleep for a long time, consumed with anxiety about how to support him, how to support myself, and to understand what was “wrong”.
What’s “wrong” is that we have an idea of how our kids should be as a society, and how we should parent them. Jericho came in so I could liberate myself of all of the ways that I’ve made myself wrong my whole life - that’s what they do. They are angels.
Keep talking, Maisa. We’re listening.
Yes, absolutely. They are angelic beings carrying a frequency so much bigger and brighter than these 3D bodies. Love you too, and thank you so much for sharing this. xoxo
yes, so much bigger and brighter
I’m so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Maisa. You are doing brave hard work that they would be proud of.
I resonate with realizing -at age 60-that I am highly neurodivergent : self diagnosed OCD, ADD and Autism. Dx anxiety& panic disorder.
Keep writing. Keep sharing. You’re going to help people & save lives.
Thank you so much. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.
What a devastating story of not being believed. It’s so hard when professionals don’t believe you and what you know to be true about yourself. I’m so sorry that you and Maisa suffered with this without support from professionals. The one thing you and James can tell yourselves is you did everything you could to support Maisa and I believe she knew that along with your unconditional love. Take care and know you all including Maisa are loved.
Hi Samia, i lost my son Noah to suicide. He struggled until he was 22. I now know how unbearably painful his last 2 years were for him. They were difficult for me and my husband - over that time we grew increasingly confused, bemused, frustrated, sad, constantly wondering, and walking on eggshells. We even got (privately) stern and angry towards the end. We certainly didn't understand what was going on for him.
Noah left behind a massive stack of A4 notebooks jam packed with teeny tiny writing, revealing the spiralling life of a young man trying to make sense of the world, soaking up absolutely everything he possibly could learn (every academic topic available, every angle on the human condition) before he finally gave in to despair and the losing battle he fought for a very long time. For longer than the obvious 2 years.
As well as the writing (which he'd kept secret), he was at the end of 2nd year study of BioSci at UCL (London, England), and he had taken up all manner of hobbies - cooking, sewing, crocheting, life drawing, cartoon sketching, yoga, dance, martial arts, photography, creative writing (he was secretly aiming to write a novel), reading, filmmaking, music & spoken word recording, the study of 2 languages and violin and guitar.
AuDHD, no? If only we'd known.
I have been writing myself since he left, 3 and a half years. I began journalling everyday and it's now turning into a memoir. I am learning so much about myself and who Noah probably was. I am astonished to write that last phrase - i am HIS MOTHER!
And, naturally, i'm drawn to all the spaces i need to be in (e.g. two Movember campaigns taught me a lot about the deeply sad state of men's societal oppression), including Sister Moms on FB. It's there that i found your substack link and your brilliant blog on the essentials for us to begin waking up, to help change the epidemic that is suicide.
Deborah Royal's post on FB was interesting. A deep dive i've been making, and one that swims painfully close to self blame and recrimination.
There is no doubt the world just couldn't hold him though. And i now wonder about myself and my own neurodiversity and all i've been through to traverse the challenges of life (in a different era), and all the ways i found strength and resilience that differed from Noah's.
I'm writing to thank you for your work and sharing Samia. Thank you beautiful Maisa. (i love the pic of you two). I will continue to read you with great keenness Samia. I am deeply grateful. I feel less alone.
Hi Beverley, thank you so much for your kind words and sharing some of your story and Noah with me. Wow, he seems to have accomplished so much in his short time here and continues to do amazing work with and through you. What a spectacular soul! Yes, it is devastating that the world cannot hold children like ours in its current state and I am hopeful that through telling our stories we can help shift things. Please keep writing and telling your story and Noah's story. I look forward to reading your memoir. Thank you again. Much love.
Lovely photo of two lovely people. Thank you for sharing your and Maisa's story, Samia.