Systemic Ableism Destroys Families

Autism speaks truth to power

Autism didn’t destroy my family. Ableism did. Autism didn’t destroy my family, systems that did not try to understand my daughter or me did. Families are not destroyed by autism. They are destroyed by myths about autism and a world that doesn’t accept autistic people. Families are destroyed by this world where supports are often impossible to obtain, and where the systems require extreme amounts of communication and advocacy skills, social skills, patience, time, and money in order to obtain any accommodations. In other words, it literally requires ableness to seek support for disableness.

This has been a rough week for the autistic community. A prominent government official made the claim yesterday that autism destroys families and perpetuated the false myth that autism is a disease which needs to be cured. Autism is not a disease. Autism is a neurological condition. This kind of rhetoric is dangerous and is the exact thing that fuels the systemic ignorance and ableism that failed Maisa, that failed me, that destroyed our family and many others.

Perhaps even more insidious is the implication that our government believes that an individual citizen’s value is directly tied to that individual’s productivity.¹

Speaking of kids with autism, Kennedy said "these are kids who will never pay taxes. They'll never hold a job. They'll never play baseball. They'll never write a poem. They'll never go out on a date. Many of them will never use a toilet unassisted." (emphasis added)

The government is basically pointing a grim reaper finger at disabled and vulnerable populations and calling them a burden on society. This has profound negative impacts, as it contributes to a thwarted sense of belongingness.² Maisa felt this very acutely. And it is part of the reason she is not here. From an early age, she learned that the public school system (which last time I checked is part of the government machine) wanted her to achieve, achieve, achieve—even if it meant doing so at the expense of her mental health.

I have a stack of emails about two inches thick of correspondence to her schools throughout the entirety of her academic career trying to support her social and emotional needs. She constantly struggled to fit in, a hallmark trait of autism, but because she excelled academically and was not “disruptive,” her social and emotional needs were not supported. It was not the autism that was destructive (or social anxiety as they mislabeled it), it was the ignorance. It was the lack of support. It was the refusal of a system to believe that a girl who gets As might actually be self destructing in order to get those As. It is a culture that puts success and achievement before well being. It is a system that pretends to care while its actions show the opposite. It says it cares with its words, but in reality requires our neurodivergent kids to ignore their pain.

Just this week I received an email from my child’s school that was inaccessible to me due to its visual presentation. I asked to receive the information in a different way. I have not received a response. The kids at school were also told this week that if they exceeded a certain number of absences they would be required to write an appeal in order to receive class credit—regardless of whether they have completed their work in the class. Funding is tied to attendance. The system is not built for accommodation or understanding. It is a machine, and one that is fueled by both covert and overt ableism. Ableism destroys families. Autism does not.

It is not autism that needs curing. It is ableism. It is the system that pathologizes and criminalizes distress or sensory needs. That dehumanizes and incarcerates people instead of offering compassion and healing. It’s a society that treats autistic people as burdens instead of human beings with sacred ways of being.

This is not about RFK Jr. While his words were harmful and ignorant, he is not the source of the problem—he is a mirror of it. These ideas did not start with him. They are symptoms of a system that fears difference, suppresses discomfort, demands conformity, and dehumanizes the “other.” Whether it’s RFK, Trump, or anyone else in the spotlight, focusing only on the individual keeps us from seeing the machinery behind the message. We all swim in these waters. And we all—especially those of us who know better—have a responsibility to call out the deeper current. And then to correct it.

The cure is a radical culture shift. The cure is in dismantling systems and ways of being that do not work for a majority of the population. The cure is in challenging beliefs, listening to lived experiences, accommodating needs and believing people. The cure is in how we care for each other—and that starts with how we care for ourselves. When we adopt the belief that our worth is tied to productivity, nobody wins. Every human being is inherently worthy. Maisa will never hold a job, and she will never pay taxes—but her contributions to the world and her life matter, and will continue to matter deeply.

Wildflowers don’t pay taxes either, but are an important part of our system. We are all connected.

1. "CDC Says Autism Rates Hold Steady, But RFK Jr.'s Research Raises Eyebrows," NPR, April 16, 2025. https://www.npr.org/sections/shots-health-news/2025/04/16/nx-s1-5366676/autism-cdc-rates-rfk-

2. This is made clear in the Interpersonal Psychological Theory of Suicide (“IPTS”). “According to IPTS, the desire to die is fueled by a combination of thwarted belongingness -- an individual’s need to belong is unmet -- and perceived burdensomeness -- an individual’s perception that others are burdened and would be better off without them.” Reid, M., Delgado, D., Heinly, J., Kiernan, B., Shapiro, S., Morgan, L., Maddox, B., & Jager-Hyman, S. (2024). Suicidal thoughts and behaviors in people on the autism spectrum. Current Psychiatry Reports, 26, 563–572. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-024-01533-0